More relationships break down in January than at other times of the year. This phenomenon has led to the first working Monday in January being dubbed ‘Divorce Day’ by the media.
If you’ve bottled things up over Christmas and have been putting on a brave for the sake of your children, family or friends, then the earliest opportunity to do something about your broken relationship may well be the first day back to work. As everyone’s opportunities to get some private time vary, In reality ‘Divorce Day’ is more a case of ‘divorce month’ than any single day in January.
Relationships break down for many reasons, some are more serious than others and it is very scary time of your life…
If a partner is any of the following though, I ask you to talk to someone as soon as possible: A friend, family or a professional: MK Act charity Helpline: 0344 375 4307
Monday – Friday 9am – 5pm
In these circumstances it is even harder to leave but there are services out there to support you.
Relate Milton Keynes is another great service: Seek professional help before you take the big decision. A trained and certified counsellor can help in some situations, and your marriage could become stronger than it was before.
Some may say I should keep my story private, but when you have made a ton of mistakes, it has cost £15,000 so far, 19 months of stress and not looking to be finalised for another 2 months…I want others to learn from our mistakes…
I have learnt many lessons…My children have suffered in the process, you cannot force it to be amicable, if you have children you will still be in each others lives for years, so do it right before real damage is done that cannot be repaired…
I wish I had met this lovely lady before I started this painful journey in 2015.
Based in Milton Keynes but calls can be done via Skype and FaceTime too.
Free 20 minute consultation here @ thejoypractitioner.youcanbook.me
Come through your divorce feeling positive and strong, with a clear focus for the next stage of your life.
“Hello, I’m Caroline Richards, and I help women going through divorce feel positive, calm and strong, so they can take the trauma out of the divorce process, save money, and find new purpose in their lives. After a few rocky years of marriage, and having just returned from a women’s yoga retreat, my husband told me, ‘I want you to leave’. We had been together 13 years, had four children together, and although things hadn’t been great for a while, it came as a complete blow. I got the children ready for school, and visited my local Citizens Advice Bureau. I returned after a couple of hours, having made the decision that I wanted a divorce. I could not go on any longer.
He made no attempt to dissuade me, and I began proceedings, blissfully unaware of how tough this path would be. Tough as it has been, I would not go back.”
You want to get through your divorce as quickly and painlessly as possible and start building a new life for yourself, right? But you’re so caught up in the grief and loss and anxiety of everything, you just don’t know where to start. So, what you need is help from someone who can listen, take your struggles seriously, and to help you to find a path out and up to a better future for you and your children. We can work together to manage your emotions, find practical solutions to your difficulties, and begin to dream up a new life for you. Focusing on the issues that you want most to resolve, we’ll use therapeutic and problem solving techniques, self-inquiry, meditations and exercises to get you through the divorce and out the other side happier and with a renewed zest for life.
Another lady I wish I had meet sooner is www.emmaheptonstall.com
Divorce Alchemy is founded on the belief and experience that with the right information and preparation, you can manage your divorce with confidence feeling in control.
About Emma: “For 13 years I worked as a legal adviser. I specialised in working with families dealing with the stress and confusion of relationship breakdown. Experiencing confusion about money and how to manage the children. even when divorce is your decision, it’s hard. When you’re unprepared, it’s even harder. “
Click here to purchase the book @ www.amazon.co.uk/How-Be-Lady-Who-Leaves
I wish I had been advised to speak to Mediation MK first and not gone straight to a solicitor.
I had just set up a business in Spain and I had no wage coming in, I could have qualified for legal aid / support. However with a house and shares in a business, they took on the case and the cost has been taken from my settlement, our boys future! A huge mistake on my part! In parts I needed a solicitor but for most I actually did the work on my own so this has been a very costly and stressful experience for me…
This is not an anti solicitor post and some of you will need a solicitor but PLEASE go in with your eyes open. Can you afford to spend up to £15,000? Do you need a solicitor? Then visit a few ‘recommended’ solicitors before you make a decision. Once you start the process it is hard to change direction so please do it right the first time.
You are not in the right frame of mind and just want ‘help’ but Solicitors help costs £250 per hour in most cases…
When they say they are ‘helping you’ that is at the cost of £250 per hour. Not the kind of help I am used to…I was naive, I was unprepared, I was distressed, I did not understand and I do not want anyone else to make the same emotional mistakes…
Another option is:
Mediation MK can help you agree on arrangements for your children, or what happens to your home and finances, if you are divorcing or separating. You can do this without going through court or involving big legal fees. The majority of people who start mediation reach an agreement.
Family Mediation is:
- Quicker and cheaper than long court battles
- Less stressful than court – with less conflict between you and your partner
- Easier on your children when parents co-operate with each other.
- It gives you more control over decisions than if you go to court – and you can both agree to change arrangements if circumstances change
- It can improve communication and make things easier for the future
- If you can’t afford mediation you may be able to get Legal Aid to help pay for it.
Contact Mediation MK when you think you need help sorting out arrangements – you don’t have to see a solicitor first. www.mediationmk.org.uk
Reasons most of us do not divorce or stay in the ‘unhappy’ marriage…
1. The Kids
If you are thinking about divorce or separation, one of your biggest worries is likely to be about your children: where they will live and how they will continue to have a meaningful relationship with both of you. Some great advice can be found here @ www.resolution.org.uk
It is quite natural for children to feel responsible when parents split up. Make sure your children understand that your decision to divorce or separate had nothing to do with them or their behaviour.
Joint residency is considered to be the preferred solution as being in the best interests of most children. BUT…there are no laws or ‘rights’ that state that a child should live specifically with either the mother or father.
Assuming you both have parental responsibility it is up to you to negotiate residency on the basis of what is best for the children. Many couples neglect to consider this fact and err on the side of what they themselves would prefer (or what suits them).
If you cannot come to an agreement, you should try mediation first. If that is unsuccessful, the courts will become involved and will issue a court order based on what it sees as appropriate.
Do not be forced by your partner to agree on custody without professional advice if the divorce is not amicable. If your child has always been with you, forcing them to spend 50/50 time with the other parent can be very stressful and damaging for them.
3. Emotional Devastation
Divorce is emotionally devastating for most people. Divorce changes our future, how we thought we would be spending the rest of our lives. It separates us from the one person we believed would always be there for us, holding our hand when we got old. We may deny the pain, but there is always pain with divorce. Divorce is a type of death, and we will need to grieve the loss just as we do when a person we love dies.
There is Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. What I am still learning is that, one doesn’t move smoothly from one stage to the other. There was no beginning, middle or end for each stage and most stages I visited several times.
A great article @ www.huffingtonpost.com/cathy-meyer
4. Loss of Confidence
It’s not unusual to feel completely lacking in self confidence at the end of a relationship, especially if you’re not the one who ended it.
There is a sense of loss, dreams dashed and an unknown future lies ahead. It’s no wonder you become uncertain and fearful. Friends and family telling you to go out and meet people is easily said but not easily done when all you want to do is curl up in a fleece with the TV and a cup of hot chocolate.
Everyone loses confidence in themselves now and then and recognising this is the first step in regaining your self-confidence. For some who don’t recognise this, their lack of self-confidence can slip into depression. Whether it’s at work or at home everyone can benefit from feeling good about themselves and their abilities.
Luckily I met Ali Moore and she is helping me #FindYourRoar
Finding Your Roar is all about being confident in yourself. www.bemoore.uk/coaching
5. Loss of Identity
Losing your identity can be a long process over a period of months or years, but can also happen suddenly following a major life event or trauma. Loss of identity may follow all sorts of change; changes in the workplace, loss of a job or profession, loss of a role that once defined us, as a child, as a parent, as a spouse. This leaves a gap, an abyss, an empty space. Such loss of identity can result in increased levels of generalised anxiety, low self-esteem, depression, a loss of self-confidence, social anxiety, isolation, chronic loneliness, all of which threaten our ability to connect with other people.
You can also lose your identity through the gradual merging in a relationship. A healthy relationship should be reciprocal in encouraging and maintaining an individual sense of self. Afterall, that surely should be what attracted partners to each other in the first place? We may lose some identity, even in the most healthy of relationships, as we accommodate, adjust our behaviours, and support our partners, and there may be some change in our level of independence, as a small level of co-dependency may set in. However, in some relationships, particularly abusive ones, this could be more marked, resulting in a virtual annihilation of independence, and a total loss of who you are.
If you stay in your current situation you are going to struggle to find yourself again, you can be more than a wife and mother if you want to be more…
This is a very difficult subject and does depend on your situation. Sorting out money is, for most couples, the most daunting part of separation and divorce.
The financial issues to consider during a divorce will differ from family to family.
- How do you make sure that you can keep things going financially, without getting into debt?
- Maintenance? How much should be paid and for how long? https://www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance
- The family home – does it have to be sold?
- Savings and pensions?
Signs that separating your finances may be complicated
If your financial position is complicated, separating your finances and reaching an agreement could take some time and you are likely to need professional help. See if any of these apply to you. The more that you tick, the more likely it is that separating could be complicated @ www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk
Again mediation or websites like www.wikivorce.com may be able to help you in a more costly way.
7. Feelings of failure
Nobody gets divorced because it seems like an easy option. It will be the hardest decision you will ever make. But sometimes it is the only option, never a failure and with hope that one day you can both agree that it had to end…
“My ‘failed’ marriage made me who I am today. The marriage wasn’t a failure. It was a necessary stepping stone. It was a relationship, full of choices, some with unfortunate outcomes. It ended for various reasons but my children, the life lessons and the growth I’ve shown since have all been successes.” — Aubrey Keefer
I hope this helps and I hope it raises awareness of mediation, empowerment, strength and choices…
Divorce and Separation support group by Mum to Mum
Too much to cover in just one post but we are looking at working with experts in this field real soon to bring advice and support to our members.
50% from the the heart and 50% from supporting articles.
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